Ive got soooo much I want to say or should that be type today.... but some days theres sooo many thoughts flooding thru ur thoughts that u just dont know how u would put them into words or even where to start putting them into words... our brains flooding our mind with thoughts definantly flow so much faster than our brain telling us to type. or to constructively coherently put thoughts into words.

Today a number of years ago, even though years have since passed I swear it still feels like yesterday, its still so clear in my mind that I can still smell what i smelt that day, I can still feel what I felt that day.... my body aches as it did that day! I have no energy, no strength, I just ache, I feel the loss, the part of me that will never be with me again. August 11th, is the day my world first shattered, I learnt that life was cruel, that you can not love someone too much as it is never enough. To love someone so much, they can never know exactly what they mean to you no matter what you tell them, or show them, or do for them. August 11th, I lost my nan. She was not just my nan, she was my everything. And my life will never be the same without her. She was my best friend. She was a mother. She was everything, she was something. There was a connection that could never be explained. Anyone who knew us, knew it.
I guess the day I lost her I also lost being a kid. I wasnt a lil kid or anything, But when things like that happen it changes everything about you. I also learnt, and question and criticise if you wish, that there is more to this life. Something happened that day and to me there was no way it could have been coincidence. I believe in there is more to things than we think. It scares the beejeezes outta me, and I still hide under my doona to this day If i feel a shadow standing over me. (so maybe I didnt totally grow up)... But it was the first major thing that really happened to me in adulthood that changed my life. It changed everything about me. It changed my direction in life. It changed my beliefs in things. I could never explain what it changed. It changed me.
But as I have grown, I have taken the essence of this amazing woman and draw on all that she gave me. I know she is within me and always will be, yet there is also a part of me that will be forever gone. She is someone I will forever look up to, and only ever hope to make her proud, and if I ever need it to be able to draw on the same strength she was able to find within herself too. I wish she could have met my boys, i know just how much 'the boy' would have meant to her. I mean sheesh I may have had to take a back seat on the attention stakes however, would i have coped with that!

This is a sad thought Ive been having today in lieu of how shit im feeling, I mean how crap is life, that we live and then we die. and then what. we are forgotten. I mean we are thought about, and even cried over, if we are lucky to have really touched some people, that continues. but life still goes on after we are gone. we become forgotten. and i dont mean forgotten as in never known about, but really we become insignicant. we cant do anything any longer, 'we are just a memory'. Even then we only continue to be a memory with inmpact for a generation or 2 if we are lucky. i think about my little nanna, my nans mum, and I know when she died I cried and it touched me, but even though i met her a few times, I was young and didnt have a great deal to do with her. It really affected my nan and my mum. but now with nan gone too, there really is only mums generation to know and feel my great nan and for her to live on in them. I mean we know stories and see pictures, and thats all nice, but thats all it is. its not a feeling, not a missing, a longing, not an impact, its when we begin to become insignicant besides a genealogical view point.

I tell you with my brain the scramble it is of late at best of times, these thoughts this day brings on do not make me look terribly sane!!

As i touched on, something happened the day my nan died that made me believe that things happen that are more than coincidences! and believe me they have happened in numerous situations now that I definantly could no longer believe they were coincidences even if i wanted to! another such thing happened yesterday.........
The boy was in here in dh's bedroom talking to me, then he grabs at my hands and picks up at the skin near the knuckles and uses my hands like a puppet. he has never before done this and ive never before done it with him. its something i use to ALWAYS do with my nan....it left me in a bit of a shock but i laughed it off..... then the boy went and had his afternoon sleep. and i had a lie down too. I was thinking about nan, and doing that with her hands. then i was thinking of 'her' chair she use to always sit in. Then I was thinking about how after she died i use to sit in that chair and feel her. was all nice thoughts. Then last night my mil gets home from work, And tells me that her sister had a phone call from her grandson who not long ago lost his mum, telling her that sometimes he lies where she use to lie and feels her too. I tell you I nearly bawled my eyes out. For him and the fact that it was exactly the same thoughts I was having that same afternoon. Just felt very freaky and uncanny. Its not the most obvious things that have happened, but Im still thinking they've happened and to touch me for a reason...

I need to move myself from here for a while and go distract myself, more than enough whacky thoughts for a sane person to have at any one time.